Luctor et Emergo

So what I want to do today here is just ordering my thoughts. I don't care of they make sense or not.

Marissa told me the following in chat:

I don't know what happened Sil, I don't know when things changed for you, but you went from someone who was always happy and always optimistic to someone who can't seem to be happy with a damn thing and i don't know how to react to that anymore other than just be blunt and tell you that you need to work past it

I had a really long think after that. All what she said is in a way true. I just don't know what to do about it. Only when I talked to my mother about it it hit me. Today I finally realised what my SLE is doing to me. I live very isolated. My autism has prevented me from really making friends, safe perhaps online. Since I've had to leave my studies, I have about nothing to do all day and all the things I did like are slowly being taken away from me. So perhaps that's why I desperately try to hold on to rping. It's about the last thing I have left that I enjoy.

But this way that is coming to an end too. It feels like I'm more and more shut out of things, even if I want to do things. But the thing is that I sit by the computer most of the day waiting for replies that rarely come, if at all. And that makes me sad. I do want to be happy and optimistic, but I have no idea how I can accomplish that.

I probably need something to do during the daytime. Something that at least for a few hours in the week can give me the illusion that I have a life. Which brings me back to what do I want to do when all things I like are being taken away from me? Find new ones? Where? How? No clue.

So I bought my own Christmas present today in the shops. I decided upon a nice little series called 'Castle'. And I just thought what the heck why not buy both season 2 and season 3. And I had it wrapped so I would not spoil start watching them in advance of Christmas.

I also got my dad's present today.(A nice bottle of Grand Marnier. RED, not the other one. If has another color 'seal' than red on the bottle it is bad. Or so I've been told)

Then I've want to talk about something I noticed that although the holidays are in the weekend, nothing stops H50. At least here in Holland. They keep the new episodes coming...

I don't know why, but lately I've felt the need to watch German 'fairytales'. Wether they are German is another story, but most of them are in German. I've got two that I've seen in English, but one of those I have in Italian and the other in German. Very strange. Perhaps that's the power of the fairytales that stay with you. And perhaps also why I watch shows as 'Once Upon a Time' and 'Grimm'.

So it seems Christmas will be able to go through here after all. I mean, dad just cleaned the windows and washed the curtains... So soon the Christmas tree can be put up again.

Also of note is that some of my muses are finally coming back. Which is a good thing. Tony is coming back, even if I don't know how to restart him in one game. I'm sure I'll find something out in due time.

Speaking of muses... a bad thing is that I think I might get a muse for Gaston in Once Upon a Time when he shows up. The one from 'Beauty and the Beast'.The only thing is how to get him out of Storybrooke and into a panfandom game. And don't tell me he should have turned left at Alburquerque... Okay I have him as a muse now too, but I have no suitable PB or backstory etc. for him. So he stays where he is for now.

First to follow up on my last entry. Remember when I said the other arrangement would get me my book by the 15th? I got it last Saturday. Which was the 12th. And just in time for me to read the actual ending in the actual book. The copy I downloaded started misbehaving right about the same time. So I discarded the downloaded book, and went to read the last book. I had some things right, but the end made me cry. It didn't end the way I wanted it to end. Which reveals exactly with which character in mind I predominantly read the books with.

I am going to start reading the book again very soon though.

Then there are the rpg's I'm in. Since a lot of characters I had plot with dropped out of KSU to start another rpg, I had to make a decision. Which of my characters should I drop? Which should follow the others? Which should I keep unchanged? Which should I keep, but start over if possible... So far it's 1:1:2:1. But it may as well become 2:1:2:0. That is where KSU is concerned

Then there were the last eps of both 'the Secret Circle' and 'the Vampire Diaries' in 2011 last Thursday. So far tvd is nice enough to keep me watching, full of unexpected twists and turns. But tsc.... wow. Although I didn't care for the promo of next year much. Why would she hurt Adam...?

So first things first. I ordered a copy of 'Inheritance' by Christopher Paolini from bol.com. So when I didn't get it on the day they were supposed to get it, I send an email to them. It will be send to me in week 47! So now I've made other arrangements: Hopefully I'll get the book on the 15th now.

That and I found a copy of the book online to download. I'll be honest: if bol.com hadn't messed up I wouldn't have done that. And I will delete the copy I downloaded after I get a physical copy of the book. But they did mess up.

I'm about to start chapter 23 I think. I find the name of it unpronouncable. I'm guessing it's something in either Dwarvish or Urgal-language.

Then there are other things I have to do tomorrow morning. Like watch the last episodes of The Vampire Diaries and The Secret Circle of the year. And the second ep of Bones of this season. Sometimes I do wonder if I follow too many series. Even if I just dropped a few of them (The Mentalist, White Collar), only watch some of them when they are on tv here in Holland (Hawaii Five-0, House). Then again there are also 2 to 4 new shows I follow (The Secret Circle, Once Upon A Time, Grimm, The Finder)

I watched one of the promo's for the 7th season of Bones Yesterdaty. It made me want to watch an ep in the 5th season: The Goop on the Girl. Not because of the fact that it's a Christmas episode. More because it has a 'naked' Booth... I liked that scene and I was reminded of it by that promo.

What else have I done in the last week that I want to talk about. I found out that there are only two more episodes this year for both the Vampire Diaries and the Secret Circle. I don't like that. I also disliked some news I read about an ep NCIS:LA... poor Deeks. But there are other places for spoilers. I don't want to discuss those now.

It also bugs me that both CSI: NY and CSI weren't aired... I was expecting new episodes online when I woke up. Instead I got an old one for CSI: NY and nothing for CSI. So I had to find something else to watch. I finally settled on Grimm. I still dunno what I think of that one. I also watched the movie In Time online. It's good, but I won't watch it again.

So my mother keeps telling me that I'm losing my sense of reality. Doesn't she know that I know that already? It's why I can't play roleplaying games as well as I used too. I've lost the right focus to do it properly I think. I hate that, but I dunno how to change that. :(

She argues that all I do is download/watch and talk about series all day. She's mostly right too. But I just have nothing else to do. Sure I can read, but most books take too long to finish. I doubt I have them finished before November 8th, when I get the book I really want to read...

I just wish I knew what to do about it. But my mind is blank where that is concerned. Especially with me living this far from the village... And with me having little or no interest in things like joining book clubs etc.

I've decided to take a whiny day. Much like my mother take all the time. Why? My left shoulder hurts, as well as my right elbow and my left wrist. So I think I've deserved a bit of a whiny day.

Yesterday was dad's birthday. He liked the cd I bought him. Brian Eno's My Life in the Bush of Ghosts. I was just happy to know what he wanted for his birthday.

So it's friday thus I'm downloading the vampire diaries and the secret circle. I'm still debating whether to watch it on the big screen. Yeah, I'll watch this unfold on my tv... so I'll talk more about those when I get back on here.

This morning started out okay-ish. I woke early. Very wisely decided to eat something before I had to get out of the house. I had a dentists appointment to get a cavity filled. Expensive too. So my dad drove me there, and while I had the cavity filled he was working out in a nearby gym. When I was finished I walked to the nearby gym to wait for him. It was quite a sunny morning.

I had a light lunch of vanilla custard since the dentist told me I couldn't/shouldn't chew during the rest of the day... Then came the afternoon. Hail, rain, thunder, lightening... the works. And I had to go to the gym myself. That went well though. I do hate the thunder though.

My downloads this morning went a bit crazy. I first downloaded an old ep of NCIS that had the title of the new one... Then I almost downloaded a wrong ep of NCIS: LA. But it all worked out in the end. I liked both of the eps.

I do keep watching monday's ep of Castle. Well, the end especially. But for that I point to my previous post.

So I woke this morning around 7am by someone texting my dad that his nordic walking class was cancelled due to bad weather. and one more thing: THE SUN WAS SHINING! Go figure.

Thus I went with my dad to the Sligro since mom had too much trouble from her arm. She wanted to go after the coffee, dad wanted to go after lunch to be in front of the evening rush hour. Dad won obviously. And I put in my two cents by saying that I could use the exercise. We were back in time for coffee!

( My thoughts on Castle - 4x05 - Eye of the Beholder )

Tonight NCIS is on here. 'Nature of the Beast'. But for some reason the second ep of NCIS tonight is 'Shalom' and not 'Spider and the Fly' like I would've thought. But at least I knew from the top of my head that 'Shalom' is season 4.

I took the time mom and dad were away yesterday, to figure out something. I figured how to watch my programs on my tv via my external hd. It's fun! I can watch my series on a regular sized screen now. That makes me happy.

On the other hand what doesn't make me happy is that my asthma bothers me a lot more. Especially when I'm visiting my parents upstairs. Then again I anticipated this a little. I began ordering more of my asthma meds in advance. And I'm actually taking them.

*shakes head* First my virusscanner says I have to restart because it has an update to install. When it has restarted Windows throws loads of things to install at me. (About 11, but I only installed 6. I don't use Outlook. I have throw IE out too. *kicks Microsoft*)

And then it was difficult getting my AIM connected to the internet again.

So dad always has to wait in his car for about half an hour after he brings me to my physio... So today I send him to the apothecary  to get my meds for me. It's a good thing I send him. His visit there took about 25 minutes. First there were 10 people waiting before him, and when it was finally his turn, they misplaced my meds... They did find them though. I really needed those before tomorrow. I need to take 35 of those pills per week, and I didn't have enough to fill my medication box for the coming week.

I ordered dad a present for his birthday yesterday. Yes, he does know what I bought him, as he suggested it himself. He thinks I spend a fortune on it.... hehe. Mum even asked if my sister needed to help me pay for it. But it's cheap enough that I can pay for it myself.

But the website said it would arrive in 3 to 4 workdays. It arrived in 1 (meaning today). I already have it and dad's birthday isn't until the 20th...

Then the reviews of the day:

( NCIS - 9x04 - Enemy on the Hill )

( NCIS: LA - 3x04 - Deadline )

So I watched The Vampire Diaries and The Secret Circle this morning. Here is my take on the eps.

( The Vampire Diaries - 3x04 - Disturbing Behavior )

( The Secret Circle - 1x04 - Heather )

( Spoilers )

So it's monday again. And I'm trying to make a decision about twitter rp. 1. Keep a twitter rp character. 2. Drop all twitter rp characters. 3. Keep all twitter rp characters... So far I'm leaning towards option 2.

Als I've been trying to see what I can do with get glue. That I like so far. But I doubt I get many 'stickers' as I am rarely on when I sleep...

I am looking forward to watching CSI: NY and Bones tonight.

So I watched the seasons finale of Dr. Who: The Wedding of River Song. I quite liked the ep. Everything made sense. If not in the way I expected.

Besides watching Dr. Who... it seems I can't stop watching the Secret Circle. Addicted to it? Perhaps just a little.

So I've gone and found myself a new show to download/see online. Last year I discarded House as one of those. This year it's The Mentalist. But I have traded that last show in for another "Thursday show" albeit from a different network, but still. The new show is called 'The Secret Circle' Adam/Cassie fan here. And I immediately recognised the actress that plays Faye. Although I was very tempted to call her Cleo at first. :D

So I now have my download schedule complete me thinks: Castle, NCIS, NCIS: LA, Criminal Minds, The Vampire Diaries, The Secret Circle, Bones. I may add The Finder, but I dunno about that one just yet.

And finally my Internet is truly fixed in this place. My dad's friend fixed it. My stuff is almost over here again. Except for my bike I think. And the things we sold.

So tomorrow the last ep of this season of doctor who. I am going to watch it. Even if I don't understand it, cause the timeline of The Doctor and River Song are so messed up.

So I've just watched Criminal Minds. It was a good ep. It was a good ep. And the team is back together again.

But that is not why I started this post. This post is a rant once again. I just feel ignored all the time. And when people notice they take things out of their context. Perhaps it's because I'm under quite a lot of stress considering I'm moving out of my place and back in with my parents, but it's starting to begin to rise once more. I already feel I can take less from people before getting emotional.